Where is your phone? in bag
Your hair? too long
Your Mother? um.
Your Father? eh
Your favourite food? mexican
Your dream last night? weird , vivid as usual
Your favourite drink? iced chai or hot coco
Your dream/goal? an endless list really
What room are you in? family/tv
Your hobby? i forgot
Your fear? stagnation
Where do you want to be in six years? more $, more child, more life & less shit
Where were you last night? Here.
Something that you’re not? what most people conclude i am
Muffins? sure
Wish list item? rice cooker/steamer that's all.
Where did you grow up? over there
Last thing you did? tried not to write a wise ass response to the last Q
What are you wearing? sweats & stuff
Your TV? yeh
Your pets? my old cat & my sons new fish
Friends? flaky but i love them
Your life? blessed
Your mood? bitchy
Missing someone? always
Vehicle? 3 one to sell but we're lazy
Something you’re not wearing? roller skates
Your favourite store? my healthfood store or buybuybaby, yip im old
Your Favourite colour? varies, blood red is pretty hot though but still loving that black
When was the last time you laughed? last night
The last time you cried?2 days ago
Your best friend? fucking amazing!!!
One place that I go to over and over? my mind
Facebook?sorta lame but why not?
Favourite place to eat? it closed down =( so home i guess
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
insomnia & romance
so it's after 4am! I WAS asleep from 11pm-2am but then i woke up. I decided to resist going down stairs & watching tv or hitting the internet. Instead i stayed in bed & read another chapter of my book quietly as my husband slept beside me. I had such a long day feeling tired from being up the night before as well & then we went to a friend/neighbors home for out 1st real hangout at their home. we've stood outside yapping w/ them before several times as they'd pass walking their 2 young boys but finallyi made a move to ask to get together as im despreate to find a friend to hang with , espcially one who is a mom & can have playdates . we;; they are perfect as they are similar to us in many ways & have 2 young boys 6 & 4 & live just 1-2 houses down across a side st from me.
so we went there tonite for 3 1/2 hrs we hung out as the boys & my son played. It was very fun & I felt great to be around NICE fucking people for once.
Anyway, we came back after a quick stop to get beer for my tired husband who dug us out of 3 feet of snow for 2 hrs & a bag of chips for me.
So, we were in the kitchen, baby was asleep & we got to talking about death since we found out about brittany murphy dying so young. Not sure how but that became a discussion of what we'd do if we had lost the other at this young age. I mean we'd both be pretty lonely at this point to never date again right?
So I wasn't sure, i said.. i knew & said i'd want to eventually find someone to share my life with but with a child & it not being a fall out or divorce.. my heart would find it hard for a while for sure & I just paused i was oddly at a loss for words! i didn't know!
WEll to my suprise , HE knew & had a very strong opinion on his feelings. (usually this is an opposite situation for us).
H said " well I for one would NOT get married again if you died, ever" he said " I might date eventaully, spend some time with a woman here or there maybe have a girlfriend if it happens but marriage? no way" he said I wouldn't live with her either. I was sorta baffled & said what? the legal crap? maybejust have a " wife" w/o the marriage ? he said no, it's not that. I feel marriage is a once thing for me, many remarry & that's fine for them. but for me, i see it has you're the one,i picked & want you & although you'd be gone I could never come close to finding anyone like you or sharing what we have. Also he said "& having our son, no way, I'd trust no other woman to live with him & i as if she was any form of mom to him. Id trust no woman at all to speak to him or for him as a mother type figure YOU'RE his mommy & that can never be replaced or compared. he said he'd just want to raise our son, maybe date but live alone. I said that is very sweet but sad & sounds lonely.. but h was firm & set that it is what it is, & he'd notbe alone he;d have family & maybe a woman to date but never a live in " wife" like relationship. you marry 1x you find that one soulmate & that is it , you lose them, you live w/o them.
i was so moved & baffled by this. so unlike him yet it was so romantic to think he had that strong of a feeling for me. I realized, i felt the same id have such a hard time seeing any guy i dated interact with my son like the "man" in his life.. i see the bond he has with our son & how they are so close. NO MAN can ever step in & touch that.
I feel truly blessed as i ponder that, how close we are the 3 of us, how close my son feels to both of us & how my husband is my very best freind.
mind you he said this all making dinner barely looking at me so unware it was just about eh most romantic thing he has ever said & how profound his feelings for me were expressed.. lol
men! they try so hard to be romantic & often fail, yet when they do it w/o effort he didn't even notice himself lol
my heart had melted .
so we went there tonite for 3 1/2 hrs we hung out as the boys & my son played. It was very fun & I felt great to be around NICE fucking people for once.
Anyway, we came back after a quick stop to get beer for my tired husband who dug us out of 3 feet of snow for 2 hrs & a bag of chips for me.
So, we were in the kitchen, baby was asleep & we got to talking about death since we found out about brittany murphy dying so young. Not sure how but that became a discussion of what we'd do if we had lost the other at this young age. I mean we'd both be pretty lonely at this point to never date again right?
So I wasn't sure, i said.. i knew & said i'd want to eventually find someone to share my life with but with a child & it not being a fall out or divorce.. my heart would find it hard for a while for sure & I just paused i was oddly at a loss for words! i didn't know!
WEll to my suprise , HE knew & had a very strong opinion on his feelings. (usually this is an opposite situation for us).
H said " well I for one would NOT get married again if you died, ever" he said " I might date eventaully, spend some time with a woman here or there maybe have a girlfriend if it happens but marriage? no way" he said I wouldn't live with her either. I was sorta baffled & said what? the legal crap? maybejust have a " wife" w/o the marriage ? he said no, it's not that. I feel marriage is a once thing for me, many remarry & that's fine for them. but for me, i see it has you're the one,i picked & want you & although you'd be gone I could never come close to finding anyone like you or sharing what we have. Also he said "& having our son, no way, I'd trust no other woman to live with him & i as if she was any form of mom to him. Id trust no woman at all to speak to him or for him as a mother type figure YOU'RE his mommy & that can never be replaced or compared. he said he'd just want to raise our son, maybe date but live alone. I said that is very sweet but sad & sounds lonely.. but h was firm & set that it is what it is, & he'd notbe alone he;d have family & maybe a woman to date but never a live in " wife" like relationship. you marry 1x you find that one soulmate & that is it , you lose them, you live w/o them.
i was so moved & baffled by this. so unlike him yet it was so romantic to think he had that strong of a feeling for me. I realized, i felt the same id have such a hard time seeing any guy i dated interact with my son like the "man" in his life.. i see the bond he has with our son & how they are so close. NO MAN can ever step in & touch that.
I feel truly blessed as i ponder that, how close we are the 3 of us, how close my son feels to both of us & how my husband is my very best freind.
mind you he said this all making dinner barely looking at me so unware it was just about eh most romantic thing he has ever said & how profound his feelings for me were expressed.. lol
men! they try so hard to be romantic & often fail, yet when they do it w/o effort he didn't even notice himself lol
my heart had melted .
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
this blog is really just stalling to go out!
So of course i can blog & do an update. Much has happened & is going on of course. But More so than that, I joined a class @ my public library for tonite ( free). It's for mommies ( NOT mommy & me). Just a program that meets 1x a month for moms to meet other moms, talk about their challenges, ideas, bla blabla about being a mom. I think for the most part for me its just a place i see as perspective friends to meet in my local area. moms. I really need to. Thing is i don't believe it's for the children/babies to be there & my husband doesn't come home til 7:45pm. The class starts 7pm-8:30pm. so I'd have to bring him in & I'm a bit unsure if a roudy toddler being there will be an issue for them =/.
Also he had a late nap, so a late dinner & i just finished feeding him & It's 6:45pm . so i feel that rushed feeling. Overwhelmed to have to get him dressed, me dressed ( i look a mess). I know we don't have to walk in like it's a fancy night out but i'm trying to make freinds for both of us & I would like to appear presentable!
so that itself takes time with him, & a few odds & ends he needs as usual & a few anxiety related ( just in case i freak out stuff).
all that & to get him in the car & get there.. ok "there" is a mile away but still.
idk, i just feel rushed & very foggy. I'm so tired today & PMS as well. I know better than to let this control me going. I know it's just PMS, just being tired, just having to rush a bit & ok yes be there in a setting Im not used to as usually my ventures to the library are free roaming. to go & walk around, see a movie where i can just get up as i wish & leave. This is a program/class where id be in a room with others & it might seem odd or rude to just up & leave. that trapment thing ya know?
sigh.. so yeah, even in my own home im feeling very spacey & detached feeling leading to a panic attack!.
I accpet I get this way & it's my challenge, but I also still get very upset with myself for letting it control me.
i want to just get up & grab our things & GO. who knows? maybe once I'm there I'll shake this feeling. maybe i NEED that envirnoment to help me? will i go? will i avoid? i guess we'll see.
Also he had a late nap, so a late dinner & i just finished feeding him & It's 6:45pm . so i feel that rushed feeling. Overwhelmed to have to get him dressed, me dressed ( i look a mess). I know we don't have to walk in like it's a fancy night out but i'm trying to make freinds for both of us & I would like to appear presentable!
so that itself takes time with him, & a few odds & ends he needs as usual & a few anxiety related ( just in case i freak out stuff).
all that & to get him in the car & get there.. ok "there" is a mile away but still.
idk, i just feel rushed & very foggy. I'm so tired today & PMS as well. I know better than to let this control me going. I know it's just PMS, just being tired, just having to rush a bit & ok yes be there in a setting Im not used to as usually my ventures to the library are free roaming. to go & walk around, see a movie where i can just get up as i wish & leave. This is a program/class where id be in a room with others & it might seem odd or rude to just up & leave. that trapment thing ya know?
sigh.. so yeah, even in my own home im feeling very spacey & detached feeling leading to a panic attack!.
I accpet I get this way & it's my challenge, but I also still get very upset with myself for letting it control me.
i want to just get up & grab our things & GO. who knows? maybe once I'm there I'll shake this feeling. maybe i NEED that envirnoment to help me? will i go? will i avoid? i guess we'll see.
My favorite smoothie
Ok, so being a vegan i don't eat/drink dairy. I was drinking soymilk for a while but found it was not agreeing with me in excess. Ricemilk is well tolerated but it's not as nutritious. So iv'e changed up my smoothies! so yummy & healthy. I'm hoping to soon add even more ingredients to it. For now it's pretty simple & basic.
1st i put 8ozs of almond milk!( in the blender of course)
then i add a handful of icecubes in the blender
1 banana
a bunch of berries (blue berries, strawberries, blackberries) or whatever avail but that's what i had this time
a dash vanilla ricemilk just for a splash of taste
& 1 tbsp of my calcium/magnesium citrate ( pre-flavored)
I blend grab a frosty mug & pour...
wa la! yummyness!!!!
1st i put 8ozs of almond milk!( in the blender of course)
then i add a handful of icecubes in the blender
1 banana
a bunch of berries (blue berries, strawberries, blackberries) or whatever avail but that's what i had this time
a dash vanilla ricemilk just for a splash of taste
& 1 tbsp of my calcium/magnesium citrate ( pre-flavored)
I blend grab a frosty mug & pour...
wa la! yummyness!!!!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Am i on a secret sitcom?
I swear my day has been something you'd see on a sitcom. One of those typical shows where the moms day is just crazy & everything that can go wrong will? You laugh at it or feel maybe it doesn't really happen that way. YES is does!
I was already having a day let's just say. I missed a mommy & me class due to my agor. I DID manage to get there with alot of pushing to get out & keep driving . Usally I am able to make such a drive but well I have my off days. Today was off. I was upset I didn't get to the class but happy i pushed further through than i felt capable. So i dropped off books & a dvd & drove around a bit just to stay out.
By the time i got back i was wiped out & the baby was due for a nap. I fed him & put him down & i read one of the books I'm reading & called my mother about making plans for the holidays. Then I myself fell asleep. I did earlier have some pains in my right side but higher than my ovary, like gall bladder area i guess but I'm not one to think my gall bladder is bothered. My anxiety isn't as typical in the fact I dont think Im having a heart condition or anything more than something not worth worrying about. so I figured it's gas or something lame like that. I woke up exhausted to his cry. I staggered to get him & whip up a fast dinner ( eggs) b/c we have nada in the house!
ok so that part was ok cept i was so tired. I began to think about how my husband was just venting last night to me about his work & how they are screwing them over for the holidays, no party, maybe on bonuses &lack of overtime. He said he hasn't been motivated to bring out the holiday decorations for me ( i start dec 1). He just felt blah about the holidays since he felt we have no $ we cat buy gifts for our son or eachother & so on. He isnt being materialistic per say, he just felt unappreciated mostly. He works damn hard all year, harder than most at his job & it felt like a kick in the ass.
well i decided I'm gonna somehow get myself in the crawlspace & carry out all this stuff & set up a festive home for him to come home to & cheer him up.
well.. shit shit shit.
so i get the stuff ( or some of it)
idk why but the lil guy starts getting super fussy. he was just fed & just woke up so i didn't know what maybe teething?. so i gave him some baby oragel & began.. well he wouldn't let me put him down , wanted to be held the whole time i set up a tree with one hand! & it kept tipping over! my pain was getting worse & sharp & i wasn't sure if it was gas anymore.. now i was getting worried " maybe is is a gall bladder attack?"
so, im in pain now im so stressed b/c the baby is crying he wont let be do anything , the cat was running crazy & being all curious but getting inthe way.
i get the tree up & a few small stuff too.. but the baby is having a meltdown! so i was like that's it! I put him in the crib & left thinking maybe he is just tired & i can't take this ! he is still crying, im in pain & i go to finsih the tree but as i put some stuff on it the cat jumps up to see & knocks over the tree , which unplugs the lights & so on.. she did this 2x in a row! he is crying in the background & i just lose it! i begin to cry. I couldn have chose to laugh i guess & normally i probaly would but idk.. i just felt so defeated or something. i finally get the tree sorta standing & a few stuff on it but my pain was pretty bad to i stopped.
I got the baby who wasn't going to sleep i guess & now he seems ok down here in the den =/ idk why he didnt like it up thre??? so im still in pain & stressed i have a few festive stuff for him to come home to bu i feel like it was not at all as nice as i wanted it looks so 1/2 done it may be MORE depressing than not.
so now i just feel stressed( a bit anxious too), in pain & so angry bc i can never seem to get shit done with a baby? why is is ok now to sit & play bt not while i was setting up holiday stuff???
ugh this blog is so negative & whiny i know. but this is how i feel right now. for now..
-UPDATE____
ok so I did alot more decorating, hubby came home & was touched & happy to see it, down to some holiday scented candles...=)
I was already having a day let's just say. I missed a mommy & me class due to my agor. I DID manage to get there with alot of pushing to get out & keep driving . Usally I am able to make such a drive but well I have my off days. Today was off. I was upset I didn't get to the class but happy i pushed further through than i felt capable. So i dropped off books & a dvd & drove around a bit just to stay out.
By the time i got back i was wiped out & the baby was due for a nap. I fed him & put him down & i read one of the books I'm reading & called my mother about making plans for the holidays. Then I myself fell asleep. I did earlier have some pains in my right side but higher than my ovary, like gall bladder area i guess but I'm not one to think my gall bladder is bothered. My anxiety isn't as typical in the fact I dont think Im having a heart condition or anything more than something not worth worrying about. so I figured it's gas or something lame like that. I woke up exhausted to his cry. I staggered to get him & whip up a fast dinner ( eggs) b/c we have nada in the house!
ok so that part was ok cept i was so tired. I began to think about how my husband was just venting last night to me about his work & how they are screwing them over for the holidays, no party, maybe on bonuses &lack of overtime. He said he hasn't been motivated to bring out the holiday decorations for me ( i start dec 1). He just felt blah about the holidays since he felt we have no $ we cat buy gifts for our son or eachother & so on. He isnt being materialistic per say, he just felt unappreciated mostly. He works damn hard all year, harder than most at his job & it felt like a kick in the ass.
well i decided I'm gonna somehow get myself in the crawlspace & carry out all this stuff & set up a festive home for him to come home to & cheer him up.
well.. shit shit shit.
so i get the stuff ( or some of it)
idk why but the lil guy starts getting super fussy. he was just fed & just woke up so i didn't know what maybe teething?. so i gave him some baby oragel & began.. well he wouldn't let me put him down , wanted to be held the whole time i set up a tree with one hand! & it kept tipping over! my pain was getting worse & sharp & i wasn't sure if it was gas anymore.. now i was getting worried " maybe is is a gall bladder attack?"
so, im in pain now im so stressed b/c the baby is crying he wont let be do anything , the cat was running crazy & being all curious but getting inthe way.
i get the tree up & a few small stuff too.. but the baby is having a meltdown! so i was like that's it! I put him in the crib & left thinking maybe he is just tired & i can't take this ! he is still crying, im in pain & i go to finsih the tree but as i put some stuff on it the cat jumps up to see & knocks over the tree , which unplugs the lights & so on.. she did this 2x in a row! he is crying in the background & i just lose it! i begin to cry. I couldn have chose to laugh i guess & normally i probaly would but idk.. i just felt so defeated or something. i finally get the tree sorta standing & a few stuff on it but my pain was pretty bad to i stopped.
I got the baby who wasn't going to sleep i guess & now he seems ok down here in the den =/ idk why he didnt like it up thre??? so im still in pain & stressed i have a few festive stuff for him to come home to bu i feel like it was not at all as nice as i wanted it looks so 1/2 done it may be MORE depressing than not.
so now i just feel stressed( a bit anxious too), in pain & so angry bc i can never seem to get shit done with a baby? why is is ok now to sit & play bt not while i was setting up holiday stuff???
ugh this blog is so negative & whiny i know. but this is how i feel right now. for now..
-UPDATE____
ok so I did alot more decorating, hubby came home & was touched & happy to see it, down to some holiday scented candles...=)
Thursday, December 3, 2009
lies lies
what?????? MORE troops to be sent to Afghanistan???? what the fuck? I'm so disapointed in my decision to vote for Obama. Man, was I fooled. this is going to get BAD! who can we believe? It's all lies, smoke & mirrors . We are being terroized by our very own. Is is wrong to view out troops as dumb jocks? strong & loyal & ready to fight.. but dumb as a rock to fall for this crap? IDK, maybe i need to do more research, but again.. who can i believe?
mommy blues
Let me say 1st I LOVE being a mommy. I am 100% inlove & aware of the blessing of having my son. It gives me such a sense of accomplishment & pride to see my work & effort make this little guy grow into a happy, healthy, alert, humorous, smart boy. I can easily see how he learns from me, thrives from me. There is so much more I have to offer the world, myself & others than being a mom to this boy. However, I do feel being his mom is probably he most important role i will ever play in this life & I am honored & humbled to have received the part!
However, as i said. I am not simply a mommy. I was not a mommy before him . I was many things that I have now forgotten or find it challenging to be again.
I understand it's his age right now. He is a toddler. Like a wild animal, not potty trained & also in a crazy way like a foreigner who doesn't speak your language. He is like a sweet little rebel who in his purest form knows no rules! no boundaries!. Yes, he understand the word "no" & "no touch" but that usually sends him into a meltdown of screams that seem to reach a range that can deafen a person ( or wish they were deaf!)
Ok Ok, all jokes aside..it's hard! I know it's not breaking news. Its been said many times before me & it will be said many times after me that being a mom is very hard! I can't really complain. He is a good boy for real! His difficulties are normal & come from a pure, curious place. Basically, it's just me.
While my husband does work very hard & long hours & is also a hands on parent when he is here.. It's just not the same. His freedom is different than mine in that he has it to more of an extent.
I can't even to to the bathroom w/o either bringing him with me or having a "babble to word" conversation just to let him know I'm near by & for me to know where he is & that he is ok!
Silence is never a good thing with a toddler.!!!
So yeah, ya don't get bathroom breaks, sick days or even lunch or dinner b/c you are always working & / or on call!
I create ideas I'd love to get done or do that day & more often than not, his schedule conflicts.
So how is it by the end of a long day of diaper changing, clothing changes due to spit ups, drooling, messes & feedings & feedings * more diaper changes & playtime, reading time, nap times, melt downs, chasing him off a couch before he jumps off it again, chasing him to get a bottle of detergent from him or a pen he found from where who knows? Doing the laundry, dishes & finding time to take a call, make a call,balance the checkbook, do the bills, eat something & shower, get dinner ready for the husband, get the baby ready for bed.. how is it I feel a sense I did nothing all day?
again, i LOVE being a mom. More than anything else i am. Just wish I had the time to do other things.
However, as i said. I am not simply a mommy. I was not a mommy before him . I was many things that I have now forgotten or find it challenging to be again.
I understand it's his age right now. He is a toddler. Like a wild animal, not potty trained & also in a crazy way like a foreigner who doesn't speak your language. He is like a sweet little rebel who in his purest form knows no rules! no boundaries!. Yes, he understand the word "no" & "no touch" but that usually sends him into a meltdown of screams that seem to reach a range that can deafen a person ( or wish they were deaf!)
Ok Ok, all jokes aside..it's hard! I know it's not breaking news. Its been said many times before me & it will be said many times after me that being a mom is very hard! I can't really complain. He is a good boy for real! His difficulties are normal & come from a pure, curious place. Basically, it's just me.
While my husband does work very hard & long hours & is also a hands on parent when he is here.. It's just not the same. His freedom is different than mine in that he has it to more of an extent.
I can't even to to the bathroom w/o either bringing him with me or having a "babble to word" conversation just to let him know I'm near by & for me to know where he is & that he is ok!
Silence is never a good thing with a toddler.!!!
So yeah, ya don't get bathroom breaks, sick days or even lunch or dinner b/c you are always working & / or on call!
I create ideas I'd love to get done or do that day & more often than not, his schedule conflicts.
So how is it by the end of a long day of diaper changing, clothing changes due to spit ups, drooling, messes & feedings & feedings * more diaper changes & playtime, reading time, nap times, melt downs, chasing him off a couch before he jumps off it again, chasing him to get a bottle of detergent from him or a pen he found from where who knows? Doing the laundry, dishes & finding time to take a call, make a call,balance the checkbook, do the bills, eat something & shower, get dinner ready for the husband, get the baby ready for bed.. how is it I feel a sense I did nothing all day?
again, i LOVE being a mom. More than anything else i am. Just wish I had the time to do other things.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I'll start in the middle of my story, cuz that's where I am
So here it is ANOTHER online site to join. For how long? I have no clue. I tend to try most of them out, follow some friends, say ok ok to invites to join all this crap. Then, it's just a short amount of time until I question myself & wonder.. why?
I mean seriously, why? I'm no celebrity . Who am I?
I'm a mom, a wife, daughter, sister (sorta), an in law, an Aunt, cat owner ( ok I hate the word "owner" for pets), a neighbor, a friend & to some.. an enemy ( in THEIR reality). Some see me as a therapist although Iv'e yet to actually complete my education & training. I know I have helped & made a difference in many lives, so maybe in a way, I am?
My days are pretty typical & to many judged "lame" or trivial.
I am on other sites, & the only one I actually blogged on seems to find them very helpful. That's because it's a site exclusively for individuals with anxiety disorders.
I am interested in blogging not ONLY about anxiety ( yes, it's a big part of my life ).. it's just not my whole life & certainly not all I am.
More importantly, I think I'm just looking for a place for ME. A place to vent, bitch, think shit out, brag , express & typo myself silly!
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